If Only They Had Listened To the FanFic
by thistlemeg
Summary: One writer decides to save the Marauders from their eventual destruction by giving them a glimpse of the future...via fanfic.
1. The Mysterious iMac Portkey

**If Only They Had Listened To the FanFic**   
  
_Author's Note: I noticed one night that although Marauder fics are infamous for their static characters, the MSTs were particularly bad. And apparently I was in a fairly sarcastic mood, so I started this, with the intention of making fun of the 2-D characterizations found in *most* (there are a few really good ones out there) Marauder MSTs, and also wondering what would happen if a rather ambitious (and stupid) MST host decided to try and thwart destiny...   
  
Disclaimer: I own the iMac Portkey, and the Writer of FanFiction. Actually, since I'm a minor and my parents paid for the laptop, that may not be accurate...oops, am i giving too much away?_   
  
  
"Guys," Sirius whined, "I am soooooo, sooooo, sooooooooooo incredibly bored!" He began panting and making puppy dog eyes, apparently to emphasize his point.   
  
James whirled around to face his best friend. What was he playing at, Transforming in the Common Room? Then he did a double take. Sirius, sadly, was in his human form.   
  
"Well," Remus pointed out, "we do have that seventeen inch Potions essay due tomorrow. And we haven't done Transfiguration homework for the last week."   
  
His friends pondered this for approximately two point seven seconds.   
  
Then the foursome burst into laughter.   
  
"Us? Homework?" Sirius choked out. "You must be kidding."   
  
Lily, who was sitting beside them and working diligently, added drily, "We are Marauders, hear us roar."   
  
"Um, Lily? You aren't a Marauder." Peter looked quite confused. As usual.   
  
Lily bit back the urge to strangle the boy. For some reason, she didn't really trust Peter, even if he was one of her boyfriend's best friends. _Oh, come now, Lily,_ she scolded herself. _You're being silly. The next time an oppurtunity comes up to place your life in someone's hands, you should go against your instincts and pick Peter. I'm sure he'll perform admirably._   
  
Meanwhile, Sirius had begun to bounce up and down for no reason at all. Something had to be done. Lily sighed. "Well," she told them, "I do have this Portkey in my pocket, though I don't know where it leads to. I found it in the Divination room."   
  
"How did you get it in your pocket, then?" James wondered.   
  
"Stole one of your Dungbombs and Transfigured it into magic-repelling gloves."   
  
Before Sirius had the chance to expostulate on the waste of a perfectly good Dungbomb, Lily pulled the gloves out of her bag and showed them the Portkey. It was in the shape of a white iMac laptop - though they, being in a wizarding environment in a time before the iMac had been invented, did not realize this.   
  
"How do you know it's a portkey, anyway?" Remus asked her cautiously.   
  
"The note that was attached to it," Lily replied, fishing a small piece of parchment with a piece of Spell-O-Tape still hanging off. She read aloud to them, "'To the finder of this Portkey: If you are James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew and/or Lily Evans, please touch this now to discover your future and change the world as we know it.'"   
  
Remus frowned. "Sounds like a trap to me."   
  
Peter was shaking too hard to reply, though he did manage to nod vigorously in assent.   
  
Sirius and James, however, were overcome by the adventure of it all. "We've got to try it!" Sirius declared.   
  
Lily shrugged. "I'm with Remus, myself, but if it'll stop Sirius whining, I'll try anything."   
  
Apparently, that settled it. "On the count of three, then," James instructed. "One...two..." they gathered round the Portkey in ready position, "three!"   
  
  
Lily looked around at her surroundings. It looked like an ordinary Muggle bedroom. Suddenly she screamed. There was a girl sitting at the desk.   
  
"What's wrong, Lil?" James asked his girlfriend, still groggy from the dimension-travel. He noticed the girl as well. "What are _you_ doing here?"   
  
The girl rolled her eyes. "I live here, you idiot. Shouldn't I be the one asking that question?"   
  
Remus stared at her shrewdly. "You're the one who's summoned us here."   
  
The girl now looked thoroughly irritated. "Oh, honestly, Remus, would you lay off the insight and voice of reason thing, just once? Yes, I left the Portkey in the Divination room."   
  
Sirius gaped. "But...how?"   
  
"Omnipotence."   
  
Peter, by this time, was hiding under the mysterious girl's bed.   
  
Lily snorted, though whether it was at their melodramatic host or Peter's cowardice, no one was sure.   
  
"But who are you?" Sirius pressed on doggedly.   
  
"My name is not important," the girl answered dramatically. "Only know that I am a Writer of FanFiction."   
  
This did not produce quite the effect the Writer of FanFiction had hoped for.   
  
"Can we call you Woff for short?" James asked her. "Writer of FanFiction is something of a mouthful."   
  
"Fine," Woff snapped. "Now if you two would shut up, Remus would stop staring penetratingly at me, Lily would quit acting so superior, and Peter would get out from under the bed, we could get to the matter at hand."   
  
Peter crawled out timidly. "How did she know where I was?" he whispered.   
  
Lily rolled her eyes at the rat. "Pete, I think they could hear your teeth chattering in Portugal."   
  
Remus ignored this, and asked calmly, "And what is the matter at hand?"   
  
"Well, fanfiction, of course. You'll be reading a very informative story about your future, and making amusing side comments for the readers, while trying to grasp your tragic fate."   
  
"Readers?" James repeated. "What do you mean?"   
  
Woff grinned wolfishly. "Oh yes, forgot to tell you. Everything you say is being read by fanfiction writers like myself from all over the English-speaking world."   
  
"Ah. Right, then."   
  
"Anyway," Woff continued. "Enough chit-chat." She moved aside, revealing for the first time what appeared to be a blown-up dublicate of their Portkey. "Begin reading."   
  
  
**The Last Day   
by Hermione Ginny Lily Lupin **   
  
Sirius: *giggling* Ooh, Moony, it's your future wife!   
Lily: Grow up, Sirius.   
  
**A/N: This is a fic about the night Voldie killed Lily & James. **   
  
Peter: D-d-did she just call Y-You-Know-Who _V-Vo-Voldie_??   
Remus: *shrug* Well, you know what Dumbledore always says about fear of a name.   
Lily: Actually, Peter, what really struck me was the "killed Lily & James" part.   
James: Don't worry, Lily, if all these writers are as weird as Woff, I don't think we can expect this fic to reflect reality much.   
Woff: *darkly* Wouldn't you like to think that?   
  
**I cried when I wrote it**   
  
James: It was that bad?   
  
**and all my friends say its really really good. R&R please!**   
  
Lily: How reassuring. What does R&R stand for, anyway?   
Woff: Not important! Keep reading!   
Sirius: *grumbling* Maybe we should change her nickname to the FanFiction Nazi.   
Woff: Remember what I said about omnipotence?   
  
**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry, Lily, James, Sirius, Remus, or Wormtail the Rat, **   
  
Sirius: *indignantly* I should think not!   
  
**the goddess of writing J.K. Rowling does.**   
  
Sirius: *more indignantly still* What?!? Absolutely not! Who is this so-called goddess, anyway?   
Lily: *frowning* We never studied her when we did Greek myths in school. *off the others' looks* Muggle school.   
James: Well, I dont belong to anyone.   
Sirius: Except Lily.   
James: Well, yes, that.   
Sirius, Remus, Peter, Woff: *roll their eyes as Lily and James smile adoringly at each other*   
  
**Lily smiled adoringly at her husband, James Potter.**   
  
Remus: Well, that sounds familiar. *does double take* Wait, _husband_??   
Everyone else, minus Woff: _Husband_?   
Lily: Er, James, I love you and all, but I'm really not ready for this type of commitment...   
James: That's all right, Lily, the writer's delusional, just keep saying it.   
Woff: All right you two, you're going to get a bigger shock than this, so can we accept the fact that you're 23 in this story?   
  
**He was playing "Broomstick" with their year-old son, Harry, by flying the baby around the room. Already, Harry had begun to look like James, with a mop of uncontrollable black fuzz**   
  
Remus: How can it be a "mop" yet "fuzz"?   
James: It's not for us to question, Remus.   
  
**though he had Lily's sparkling emerald green eyes.**   
  
Sirius: Aw, how cute! Can I be his godfather?   
  
**Just then, Harry's godfather and Lily and James' best friend Sirius Black walked in the door.**   
  
James: Apparently, yes.   
Peter: *pouts* How come you guys didn't pick me?   
Lily: Peter, for the last time, this isn't actually us. I'm not getting married, I have a career to concentrate on.   
Sirius: Oh, come on, I was hoping I could be the best man at the wedding!   
  
**Padfoot had also been the best man at the Potters' wedding.**   
  
Remus: Okay, this is just getting creepy.   
Peter: You guys? Have you noticed that this writer somehow knows our secret nicknames?   
Lily: *snort* The whole of Gryffindor Tower knows your "secret" nicknames.   
Sirius: Yes, and if this girl is Moony's future wife, obviously she knows all about us.   
Remus: *bops Sirius on the head with one of Woff's stuffed animals*   
Woff: *nods approvingly* That's what they're there for.   
  
**"You guys wanted to see me?" Sirius asked them.   
"Sirius, sit down," Lily said to him solemnly.   
"We have a very important question to ask you," James explained.**   
  
James: Are the rumors about you and Snape true? Sirius: *wacks James with a stuffed animal*   
  
**"We've just come back from visiting Albus," Lily explained.**   
  
Lily: I can't believe I just called Professor Dumbledore by his first name. It's practically sacreligious!   
Sirius: I've done it.   
Remus: Yes, and then McGonagall doubled the detentions you'd already gotten us for your cheek.   
  
**"I don't know how to say this, but**   
  
Sirius: *as Lily* ...you're being honored for becoming the Student To Earn the Most Detentions Ever with a solid gold statue to replace the one-eyed hag and ten thousand Galleons.   
Lily: Dream on.   
Sirius: *as Lily again* ...you're going to be a daddy. Harry's getting a baby half-brother!   
James: Eurgh! *tackles Sirius*   
Woff: Sirius, those weren't even funny.   
Sirius: *muffled, from underneath James* Yes, they were!   
Woff: No, they weren't. In all the other MSTs, you make all these witty remarks. How come in mine, you're just plain lame?   
Lily: Well, you _are_ the writer. And didn't you say you were omnipotent?   
Woff: *hits Lily with a stuffed animal*   
Lily: I thought you were supposed to be some kind of neutral host!?   
Woff: Well, then, respect my authority.   
  
**Voldemort is trying to kill us."**   
  
Peter: *falls off his chair*   
Lily: I never call the Dark Lord that. I'm much more sensitive to those around me.   
James: Relax, Peter, this writer has a room in St. Mungo's.   
Woff: *darkly* I wouldn't be so sure...   
  
**Sirius gasped with alarm for his best friends. "But what will you do?"   
"Albus has recommended we use the Fidelius Charm," James explained.**   
  
Remus: Awful lot of explaining going on around here.   
James: We're being chased by You-Know-Who, cut us a little slack.   
  
**"When we choose a Secret-Keeper, Voldemort**   
  
Peter: *shudders*   
Woff: Wormtail, would you cut that out? This fic is long enough without you stopping to quake in terror everytime they say the name.   
Peter: See? She knows them, too! It's a conspiracy, I'm telling you!   
  
**will never be able to find us, as long as the Secret-Keeper never tells where we are."   
"And we've chosen you to be our Secret-Keeper," Lily said with tears in her eyes.**   
  
Lily: I am sick and tired of this girl. All she does is moon over James, finish all his sentences, and get unnecessarily sentimental.   
James: You're right, I would never marry this Lily. All the more reason not to believe a word this writer is saying.   
Woff: *darkly* You'll regret that...   
Remus: What I want to know is where Peter and I are during all of this. It's not fair that Sirius gets to be Best Man, Godfather, and now this Secret-Keeper thing.   
Sirius: *grins smugly*   
Lily: I'm telling you, Remus, this girl is deluded.   
Woff: *darkly* Are you absolutely certain?   
James: *whirls on Woff* Would you stop being so goddamn (Lily: James!) cryptic? What do you know that I don't about _my_ life?   
Woff: Everything, Prongs. Everything.   
Peter: *gulps*   
James: Oh yeah? Well what gives you this self-proclaimed "omnipotence" anyway?   
Woff: That's simple. It's the year 2002.   
Peter: *falls off chair again*   
Lily: *laughs shrilly* That's ridiculous. That thing was a Portkey, not a Time Turner. You said so yourself.   
Woff: *shrugs* I told you, I'm a Writer of FanFiction. With the help of a plot device here and there, I can do anything. I'm controlling the words coming out of your mouths right now.   
James: Nobody listen to her! She's positively barmy.   
Peter: I just want to go home.   
Remus: Something tells me we won't be doing that until we get through this fanfiction.   
Woff: You got it.   
Sirius: So let's get going, I want to see what I say.   
  
**Sirius stared at his two best friends**   
  
Peter: Look, Remus, there she goes again.   
  
**for a moment. Then his eyes filled with tears as well**   
  
Everyone but Sirius: *snort*   
Sirius: *attacks them all with stuffed animals* I do have a sensitive side, you know!   
  
**and he pulled Lily and James into a warm hug.**   
  
Everyone: *falls over hysterically laughing*   
Sirius: Come on, you two, group hug! *tries to hug Lily and James*   
  
**"I don't deserve friends like you**   
  
James: Too right.   
  
**and I will be glad to do my part to protect you."**   
  
Lily: Oh come on. This is absolutely ridiculous.   
Remus: I agree. Sirius is obviously under the Imperius Curse if he's talking like this.   
Everyone else: *nods in agreement*   
  
  
Woff suddenly caught sight of the time. "All right," she announced. "That's the end of the first chapter."   
  
Lily groaned.   
  
"What?" James asked her, confused. "It's over."   
  
"She said 'first,'" Lily pointed out. "First suggests that there is also a second, and a third, and a -"   
  
She was drowned out by four loud groans.   
  
Woff looked quite irritated. "Well, honestly, it's not that bad. I'm trying to save your lives here, you could show a little gratitude." She sighed at their bewildered faces. "Never mind. Everyone just grab on to the Portkey, because it's leaving in 5...4..."   
  
"Are we coming back?" Sirius asked her.   
  
"3..."   
  
"Don't give her any ideas," Remus warned.   
  
"2...Yes, I'll be seeing you very soon...1..."   
  
Woff was suddenly alone in her bedroom.   
  
  
  
_All right, so that quite sucked. It was better than doing my Chemistry homework, though. Next chapter to be up soon...will the Marauders plus Lily ever come to terms with their fate? Or will they lynch Woff to shut her up? Will Woff's family decide she's insane from the voices coming from her room? Some of this and much much more next time on 

If Only They Had Listened To the FanFic

_


	2. Woff Gets Pissed

_Author's Note: Thanks to Anakah, Lucky Smileys, surfboard chick, Pearl-chan, UnrepentantReader, Amberdulen, Lina Inverse the Dramata, SilverCry, theunknownfemale, MmmMmmGood, Almah, and Olivia for your reviews! I'm toying with the idea of having all the reviewers make a guest appearance...   
  
Disclaimer: I forgot to say that I own Hermione Ginny Lily Lupin and her story...if that actually happens to be anyone's penname, I apologize. The Harry Potter characters and plot do not belong to me, I'm only borrowing._   
  
  
Our heroes were oddly silent while they ate their breakfast the next day. Sirius was pondering his next prank on the Slytherins. Remus was worrying about the approaching full moon. James and Lily were wondering if the previous day's adventures had just been a crazy dream. Peter had fallen asleep in his cereal.   
  
Their thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the arrival of the mail. Lily, James, and Peter, who all owned owls, were delivered identical envelopes.   
  
The group exchanged a long look. It couldn't be...could it?   
  
"Peter," James said loudly. "Wake up! You've got an owl."   
  
Peter lifted his head and stared stupidly at the envelope. He brushed a cornflake off his nose and began to tear it open. Lily and James followed suit. Remus and Sirius looked over their friends' shoulders and they all read:   
  
_Lily, James, Sirius, Remus & Peter,   
Be holding the Portkey at 7:00 tonight. Or I'll sic an extremely violent flock of Cornish Pixies on you.   
Yours,   
the Writer of FanFiction_   
  
"Do you really think she can do that?" James wondered aloud.   
  
"I d-don't know, but I d-d-don't want to f-find out," Peter stuttered.   
  
Remus looked thoughtful. "She must have some way of getting into the castle. How else would she have been able to plant the Portkey."   
  
"Remus, she's a Muggle," Lily pointed out. "How would she get her hands on a Portkey, anyway?"   
  
"And how does she know about Hogwarts?" James added.   
  
"Well, I don't think she's really from the future," Remus mused. "It just isn't possible to time travel with a Portkey."   
  
"But how would a Muggle know that anyway?" Lily said.   
  
There was pause, while they all pondered this. Except for Peter, who couldn't banish the mental pictures of being attacked by ferocious pixies, and was curled up in fetal position under the table.   
  
"My head hurts," Sirius remarked at last. "Let's just arrange it so Snape is the one who gets transported tonight."   
  
"No!" Peter cried, terrified, from under the table. "Let's just do what she says!"   
  
Rolling his eyes, Sirius ducked his head under the table and pulled Peter out.   
  
"All in favor?" James sighed.   
  
"Aye."   
  
"Aye."   
  
"Aye, aye, Captain!"   
  
"Shut up, Sirius."   
  
"Peter?"   
  
Peter sighed resignedly. James and Sirius wouldn't let anything happen to him - right? "Aye."   
  
  
  
"Oof." Our five heroes (and heroine) landed in a tangled heap on Woff's floor.   
  
Woff grinned at them from her seat at the computer. "You're ba-aack!" The disheveled fivesome stared blankly at her. "Never mind. Anyway, you're back because a.) we have to finish the story so you can avoid your ghastly deaths/imprisonments/betrayals/abandonments and b.) my reviewers loved you."   
  
"Oh?" Lily replied drily. "What's our Nielson rating, then?"   
  
Woff wrinkled her brow. "They had those back then? Aren't they American?"   
  
Lily shrugged. "Dunno. You're the writer."   
  
This seemed to remind Woff of her purpose. "Right. So here's the fic, everyone gather round."   
  
  
**Chapter 2: Sirius's Big Decision**   
  
Remus: Well that sounds frankly ominous.   
Woff: *yes, darkly* You have no idea...   
  
**Sirius' chest was bursting with pride and love for his friends.**   
  
Lily: No, I'm pretty sure that's just his ego. *ducks a stuffed animal*   
  
**Now, after apparating back from the Potter's, he was looking at an old picture album. Lily and James were waving at him from a picture taken on their wedding day. Suddenly Sirius realized what a huge thing he had agreed to. He was now responsible for the lives of his best friends.**   
  
Lily: Sirius, if you screw this up...   
Sirius: Lily, it's not real! Besides, don't you trust me?   
James: No.   
Peter: Do you trust me, James?   
James: *after a slight pause* Of course, Pete. I was just joking, you know I'd trust you all.   
Lily: We're all getting unnecessarily worked up over some crackpot's stupid story. Let's just get through this as fast as we can, I have an Arithmancy test tomorrow.   
  
**Sirius's heart was struck with fear.**   
  
Remus: *grumbling* Make up your mind with the punctuation, already! *off the others' looks* What?   
Sirius: I am such a wimp in this. Somebody needs to hit this guy with a Bludger or something.   
Peter: *looks around the room for a Bludger, and finds an equally heavy object in Woff's math book*   
Sirius: Ow! Peter, I meant the _character_, not myself!   
Woff: There's a lesson to be learned from this, you know.   
James: Math really can do damage to the brain?   
Woff: Yes, that too.   
  
**When he thought of Harry, his stomach only felt worse. **   
  
James: That's because I slipped a Puking Potion into your tea.   
Lily: James! There isn't really such thing, is there?   
Sirius: Just ask Severus Snape.   
  
**Maybe I just need to sleep on this, Sirius thought,**   
  
James: *as Sirius* gesturing towards the blonde waiting in his bed. *as himself* Ow, Lily!   
Remus: What are you, the Princess and the Pea? *when no one laughs* Well, I tried.   
Woff: You guys suck.   
  
**and went right to bed.**   
  
Sirius: Hey, what about the blonde?   
  
** Sirius had this nightmare:   
  
He was in his house. Suddenly, someone knocked on the door, and his heart was filled with fear.**   
  
Remus: Again.   
Sirius: What is _wrong_ with this guy? He can't even answer the door without turning into Wormtail!   
Peter: Hey! Low blow!   
Sirius: Sorry, Pete. But it is the truth.   
Woff: Hear, hear.   
  
**It was Voldemort.**   
  
Peter: *chanting to himself* It's only a dream, it's only a dream, it's only a dream   
Woff: Peter, do you honestly think you could manage to be a _bit_ more over-the-top? You're making me sick.   
  
**"WHERE ARE THE POTTERS?????" Voldemort demanded. There was a lot of terrifying green light and then Sirius woke up.   
  
****"It's only a dream, It's only a dream," Sirius chanted to himself.**   
  
Sirius: This is getting _really_ creepy.   
Woff: *frowning* This fic is not really getting the point across too well. I'm actually starting to agree with Lily and James for not using Sirius.   
Sirius: What?   
Woff: Look, Sirius: Listen up. Right now, you're perfectly sane, at least for you, so you can clearly see how much of pansy you're being in this story, right?   
Sirius: *nods*   
Woff: Right! So when this situation rolls around in real life, DON'T BLOODY ACT LIKE THIS!   
Sirius: *nods*   
Lily: I thought you were American?   
Woff: Yeah, so, where does it say only British can use the word "bloody"? You all get to, I feel left out.   
Lily: *under her breath* Poser.   
Woff: Okay, that is IT! *to James* What were you thinking? Maybe it's a good thing you _did_ die young, you would have had to put up with a lifetime of _this_!   
James: What are you _talking_ about?   
Remus: We've been kidnapped by a madwoman.   
Peter: *hides under the bed, again*   
Sirius: That's not fair! _I_'m the crazy person around here!   
  
"ARGH!" Woff shouted in utter frustration. "I CAN'T PUT UP WITH YOU IDIOTS ANOTHER MINUTE! ONE MORE CLICHE AND I WILL SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST! TAKE THE PORTKEY AND RUN!!!!!"   
  
Lily looked thoughtful. "Now where have I heard that before?"   
  
"Probably your prophetic dreams, for chrissakes!" Woff cried. She waited expectantly to spontaneously combust, but apparently the FanFiction gods were feeling particularly merciful. Or unmerciful, depending on how you view it. "Now, GO!"   
  
Muttering about temperamental psycho writers from the future, our heroes (and heroine) gathered round the Portkey and disappeared. Woff sighed heavily. It certainly wasn't easy, trying to save five overly-cliched doomed teenagers from their hideous fate, but she would have another go at it tomorrow.   
  
  
  
_Author's Note, Again: Wow. It wasn't really supposed to turn out that way, but things happen, characters complain, and you just have to be ready for anything, I guess. I badly need sleep. Review, if I haven't scared you away already. _


	3. The Countdown Begins

_Author's Note: And so we come to the third part of everybody's favorite rant-disguised-as-a-fic, **If Only They Had Listened To the FanFic**. We get to make more fun of the typical Sirius permamently-on-crack personality, Peter's bitterness, the conviction commonly held among FanFic writers that Hermione is Lily incarnate, Woff gets pissed once more, and the Marauders plus Lily get to see what lies in store for them.   
  
A big thanks to FawkesnFlame, Miki, Nora, The God of Angst, Brittanie, UnrepentantReader, Rose-Star988, quitesirius, theunknownfemale, Aragorn Rider3791, Giggles-n-shit, Taracollowen, Rini, and Trinity Day. Guess what, reviewers? The next chapter is your turn to shine! That's right, all my reviewers are going to make a guest appearance and get to yell at the characters! (Mostly Wormtail, I have a feeling.) So if you have something to say, leave it in a review! (Yeah, so this is really just a cheap scheme to get more reviews.) If you don't, I'll just take the general gist of an old review or group you with a bunch of people trying to kill Wormtail or something.   
  
Okay, I don't own these people. Now read!_   
  
  
  
Woff lay awake, tossing and turning. When she had decided to save the Marauders (and Lily), she had thought it would be easy. She wasn't allowed to actually _tell_ them about the future, or even let them read the Harry Potter books, but she had figured a quick FanFiction story would do the trick. She had never expected them to completely disregard the message from the future, and she certainly hadn't expected to find herself not _wanting_ to save them anymore. Obnoxious little brats.   
  
Still, she had a job to do. She'd said she would rescue the Marauders from death and destruction and she was damn well going to do so. If you want something done right, Woff reflected, you've got to do it yourself. So she climbed out of bed, managed to make it to her desk without breaking anything too valuable, and got to work.   
  
  
  
Sirius was bouncing around the Common Room and frightening the underclassmen. "WEEEEEEEEEEE!" he squealed as he did a frog-dive onto a couch filled with terrified first years. He then took out his wand and turned the hair of every person in the Common Room pink.   
  
Peter saw his chance to impress James. "Hey guys, watch this!" he said, and did the countercurse with his wand behind his back. The Gryffindors were relieved to find themselves with natural hair color again.   
  
James, however, just said absently, "That's nice, Pete. Say, Remus, what should we do to Snape tonight?"   
  
Peter kept the hurt expression from his face, but inside he was seething. No one cared about Peter, no one ever noticed, no one ever gave him the recognition he so craved but ONE DAY...oh yes, one day, things would be different. He'd show them, he'd show them all.   
  
Before Peter could further plot against his best friends, he felt a strange prickling sensation. It was not one that made him feel as if he was being sucked in by his naval; Woff hadn't had time for research. Besides, he hadn't even been holding a Portkey.   
  
Neither, in fact, had any of his friends.   
  
"Now what?" Lily demanded. "I wasn't holding anything that could possibly have been a Portkey."   
  
"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "_Hogwarts, a History_ is too boring to enchant."   
  
Lily quickly located the stuffed animals.   
  
"Lily," Woff asked her, "Just out of curiosity: do you believe in reincarnation? And does the name Hermione Granger mean anything to you?"   
  
Lily looked extremely confused. "No. And no. Why?"   
  
Woff sighed heavily. "Long story. And we're running out of time. At midnight tonight, you'll be whisked back to Hogwarts and you'll never be able to read future fics again." She paused for their cheers. "Which doesn't leave us a lot of time, and certainly not enough time for me to be complaining, as I should be, about how underappreciated I am. I realized we weren't getting anywhere with that other fic, so I wrote one of my own." She was forced to pause again for their groans. "Now get reading."   
  
  
**

**

How Peter Betrayed Lily and James to the Dark Lord Who Then Killed Them and Framed Sirius Who Was Then Sent To Azkaban, Leaving Remus All Alone, Unemployed, and Miserable   
by a Writer of FanFiction   
  


Remus: Well. You don't mess around with ambiguous titles, do you?   
Woff: I'm trying to get a point across here.   
  
**James and Lily Potter had just arrived home to Godric's Hollow and they were both horrified. It wasn't because their adorable year-old son Harry had pink hair that was definitely not natural.**   
  
James: Of course not. Why would that horrify us?   
Lily: After all, we're friends with Sirius, aren't we?   
  
** No, that had been explained by the large flying motorcycle parked outside. Sirius Black, their extremely loyal and trustworthy (though certainly mischievous and quite possibly insane) best friend, was babysitting.**   
  
James: Now, see, THAT, is the Sirius we all know and love.   
Remus: She definitely has you pegged, Padfoot.   
Lily: Except for the "quite possibly" part. I think your insanity is most definite.   
Sirius: I have a flying motorcycle???? AWESOME!!!!   
  
**James and Lily were horrified because their former Headmaster, Professor Albus Dumbledore, had just told them that the Dark Lord Voldemort was out to kill them.**   
  
James: That is a good reason.   
Woff: I don't see how you can be so flippant. This is a true story!   
James, Lily, Remus, and Sirius: *roll eyes*   
Peter: *shivering* S-stop s-saying the n-name!   
  
** He had advised them to perform a complex but seemingly foolproof spell called the Fidelius Charm. All they had to do was choose one person, one person whom they trusted more than anyone else in the world, to be their Secret-Keeper. As long as this person never revealed their whereabouts, James and Lily would never be found.   
It had been an easy decision. After all, the person both Lily and James trusted most in the world was Sirius, and they had told Professor Dumbledore so right away.**   
  
Peter: *indignantly* What about Remus and me? You keep doing this!   
Lily: Peter, _we_'re not doing anything. The FanFic Lily and James are doing all this. Please remember to make the distinction.   
Woff: How can I get this through to you? _This is a true story!!_   
  
**And so, after changing Harry's hair back to it's natural black **   
  
Sirius: Aw.   
  
**and cleaning up the spectacular mess in the kitchen ,**   
  
Lily: Right, like I'm ever letting Sirius in _my_ kitchen.   
  
**they sat down to have a serious (no one say it!)**   
  
Sirius: *shuts his mouth in disappointment*   
James: *shuts his mouth in disappointment*   
Woff: Thank you.   
  
**discussion with their trusted friend.   
They told Sirius about the Fidelius Charm, and asked him to be their secret-keeper, in a solemn but in no way mushy and oversentimental conversation.**   
  
James: Well, I should think not.   
Woff: I wasn't about to repeat Hermione Ginny Lily Lupin's mistakes.   
  
** Sirius agreed, and they arranged a time to perform the spell.   
When the fateful day arrived however,**   
  
Remus: Shouldn't there be a comma after "arrived"?   
All, especially Woff: SHUT UP, REMUS!   
  
**Sirius came an hour early looking troubled. "We need to talk," he told his friends.**   
  
James: Oh, boy. Here it comes. Padfoot's Big Wuss-Out.   
Sirius: Hey!   
Lily: C'mon, Sirius, remember last time? Besides, we know it's not really you.   
Woff: *darkly - you knew it was coming* Don't be so sure...   
  
**"What if You-Know-Who discovers that you're using a Fidelius Charm? He'll know right away you've made me the Secret-Keeper."   
James' brow furrowed. "True," he admitted. He looked at his friend. "Look, I know we're asking a lot, so if you don't want to go through with this, just say the word."**   
  
James:*chanting* He's gonna wuss-out, he's gonna wuss-out.   
Sirius: *hits him with a stuffed animal*   
  
**"Dumbledore said he would do it," Lily added. "No pressure."**   
  
Lily: Yeah, no pressure, it's only our lives here.   
  
**"No, that's not it!" Sirius protested. "It's not that I'm scared or anything,**   
  
Remus: Mmmhm. Sure.   
  
**It's just that I don't really trust myself.**   
  
James: Ah, the old "I-just-don't-trust-myself" line.   
Lily: Oh, leave him alone, you two.   
Sirius: Did Lily just stand up for me?   
Lily: *shrug* I mean, it's only FanFiction.   
Woff: *darkly* Wouldn't you like to think so?   
  
**And Dumbledore is another obvious candidate. I think you should switch to someone no one will suspect."   
"Like who?" James asked.   
"How about Peter?" Sirius suggested. "He's one of our best friends, so we know we can trust him, but he's not really the obvious choice, is he?"**   
  
Peter: *demanding* Why am I not the obvious choice?   
All: *uncomfortable silence*   
Lily: He probably just means that since Sirius is James' _best_ friend, and our son's godfather and all, people would assume we'd use him.   
James: I can't believe I just heard you say "our son." This is too weird.   
  
**Lily frowned. "What about Remus? I know we can trust him. I have nothing against Peter, but..."   
Sirius sighed. "Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure that I do trust Remus anymore."**   
  
All but Woff: What??   
Lily: Sirius, how could you? *hits him with a stuffed animal*   
Sirius: Hey! You were the one talking about remembering to make the distinction! Of course I trust Moony!   
  
**Lily and James were shocked.**   
  
Lily: *muttering* Well, I should hope so.   
  
** "Not trust Remus?" Lily cried.**   
**"Why?" James added.**   
  
Remus: Yeah, why?   
  
**Sirius looked uncomfortable. "Actually, I don't know, because Rowling hasn't explained yet and this author didn't want to make up her own stupid reason."**   
  
All but Woff: Huh?   
Peter: What's Rowling?   
Woff: Long story. The fact is, I don't know why Sirius suspected Remus of being Voldemort's (Peter: *flinches*) spy, only that he did.   
  
**"Ah," James answered. "Look, if it's about the werewolf thing..."   
Sirius sighed again. "I just really think you should use Peter. I mean, come on, who's going to think you would trust Peter Pettigrew above all the powerful wizards and witches you two are friends with?"**   
  
Peter: *lower lip trembles*   
James: Peter, _it's not us_. The real Sirius would never say that.   
Remus: Yeah. He may be an idiot, but he's not a prick.   
Peter: S-so, you guys think I'm powerful?   
Woff: *snort*   
Lily: Peter, there is no doubt in my mind that you will be every bit as powerful as the rest of us.   
Woff: *louder snort*   
Peter: *glares at Woff and resumes his revenge plot*   
  
**James and Lily had to admit that he had a point. I'm running out of time before you all arrive, so to make a long story short,**   
  
Sirius: *coughlazycough*   
Woff: This truly is a thankless task.   
  
**they ended up making Peter their Secret-Keeper after all.**   
  
Peter: Wow! Thanks, guys!:   
  
**Although most people knew they were using the Fidelius Charm, no one besides James, Lily, Sirius, and Peter knew about the last minute switch.   
What the other three didn't know, however, was that Peter was a spy for the Dark Lord.**   
  
All but Woff: *gasp*   
Remus: Well, it was in the title.   
Peter: I am not! I would never! You've gotta believe me! I'm innocent, I tell you, innocent! *thinking: _Hmm, spy for the Dark Lord...oh the possibilities_*   
James: We know, Peter. This is the stupidest thing I've ever read.   
Woff: I'm not making this up! Look, I have a CD player - those haven't been invented yet! I'm telling you, you're in the future.   
Lily: We go to a school where electronics don't work. How do we know this CD player thing wasn't invented a month ago or something?   
Woff: *throwing her hands in the air* Argh!   
  
**After the switch had been made, he went to his master and revealed the Potters' location in Godric's Hollow. It was the greatest moment of his miserable little life - at last, he had done something right.**   
  
Remus: Don't you think you're being a little bit harsh on poor Peter here?   
Woff: Are you kidding me? Do you not understand what's happening? PETER JUST BETRAYED JAMES AND LILY!   
Sirius: Sure, in your world. *rolls eyes*   
Peter: *ever so slowly, the wheels in his head are turning*   
  
**With the Potters out of the way, Lord Voldemort would triumph at last.   
On Hallowe'en night, 1981, Lord Voldemort arrived at the Potters' house. He killed James immediately, and then tried to kill Harry. Lily, rather than allow Voldemort to kill her son, pleaded with the Dark Lord to take her life instead. He killed her then, but when he tried to use the Avada Kedavra curse on baby Harry, it rebounded on him and caused him to disappear for ten years. So Harry - and the world, temporarily, at least - was saved by his mother's love.**   
  
James: *adoringly* That's my Lily.   
Sirius: It's an owl! It's a broom! No, it's SUPER LILY!   
Everyone else: *gives Sirius an odd look*   
Sirius: What? She saved the world!   
Lily: You know me...   
  
**Meanwhile, Sirius went to Peter's hiding place and found it empty, with no sign of struggle. Worried and slightly suspicious, he hurried to the Potters' - but it was too late. The house was in ruins, and his friends were dead. He met the Hogwarts' Keeper of the Keys, Hagrid, there, who had been instructed to bring Harry to Dumbledore. Sirius wanted to take his godson himself, but Hagrid was under strict orders. So Sirius, with a heavy heart, went in search of the traitor.   
When he found Peter, however, he walked into the trap of a desperate man. Before a street filled with witnesses, Peter cornered Sirius and shouted, "Lily and James, Sirius! How could you?" He then blew up the street with his wand behind his back, killing twelve Muggles that happened to be out that day. **   
  
James, Lily, Sirius, and Remus: *decide not to say anything about Peter's demonstration in the Common Room earlier that day*   
Peter: *sputtering* This is - this is insane. You know I would never - James, you know - Lily, sweet girl - you guys know-   
Woff: Shut up, Peter.   
  
**He cut off his own finger, then Transformed into a rat and ran away.   
Sirius couldn't believe it. Peter Pettigrew, that worthless, slimy, half-Squib traitor**   
  
Remus: *to Woff* You really don't like Peter, do you?   
Woff: Excuse me? Did you _miss_ the part where he hands Lily and James over to Voldemort, kills twelve innocent people and frames Sirius???   
James: Yeah, where do you get this stuff, anyway?   
Sirius: I never thought I'd say this, but your mind is even more twisted than mine.   
  
** had just bested him. Wormtail was gone, and Sirius had missed his chance to kill him. And now the entire Magical community was going to think he was in league with the Dark Lord, and had killed his best friends. Filled with despair, Sirius did the only thing he could do - laughed. He laughed as the Ministry officials showed up at the horrific scene. He laughed as they put Memory Charms on the surviving Muggles, and he laughed as they took him to Azkaban, where he would spend the next twelve years of his life.**   
  
Sirius: What?!? Is this because I called you twisted?   
Remus: Again, was in the title.   
Sirius: Oh, shut up Moony.   
  
**Remus was crushed by the events of that Hallowe'en. He found himself friendless and alone, and he had a very hard time getting work because he was a werewolf.**   
  
Sirius: See, she doesn't like you, either.   
Woff: I'm just telling it like it is!   
  
**Harry Potter grew up with his only relatives - Lily's sister Petunia**   
  
Lily: What?? That bitch, in charge of my chiild?? What idiot made _that_ decision?   
Woff: Dumbledore, actually.   
Lily: There goes a huge chunk of my respect for _him_.   
  
**and her husband and son, Vernon and Dudley Dursley.**   
  
Lily: Oh, gross! Petunia and Vernon with a kid!   
  
** They did their best to make his life a living hell, but he was eventually able to go to Hogwarts and only had to put up with their torture during the summer. Ironically, he became best friends with a boy named Ron Weasley, whose pet rat was in fact Peter Pettigrew. The rest of Harry's story is not important. Yet. What is important, is that WORMTAIL IS A TRAITOR! DON'T TRUST HIM!!!!!!   


**

The End.   
  
  


There was a pause as the Marauders and Lily struggled to digest this.   
  
"Wow," Sirius said at last. "Talk about a mind trip."   
  
"Really," James agreed. "I feel like I've just left some alternate universe."   
  
"I hate this place," Peter muttered.   
  
"Okay, quit complaining," Woff told them. "Now, what was the moral of that story? I think I made it pretty clear?"   
  
"FanFiction authors have extremely warped minds?" Remus tried.   
  
"There is someone crazier than Sirius after all?" James suggested.   
  
"Petunia and Vernon would make really awful parents?" was Lily's guess.   
  
Sirius appeared to have come up with something. "Stay out of Lily's kitchen?"   
  
"You're all completely wrong," Woff answered, frustration mounting. "Maybe Peter caught it?"   
  
Peter looked terrified at being put on the spot. "Um...You-Know-Who doesn't like children?"   
  
"WHAT?" Woff exploded. "No, you imbecile!" She was about to go off on another tirade, but they were interrupted by a call from downstairs.   
  
"Dinner time!"   
  
"Oh, yes, finally!" Sirius exclaimed. "I'm starving!" He made a beeline for the bedroom door, but Woff grabbed hold of the back of his robes.   
  
"Oh, no you don't!" she warned. "You guys are staying right here." Using the power that comes with random plot devices, she somehow herded them all into her closet and locked the door.   
  
"You can't leave us here!" Sirius shouted, banging on the door. "It's character abuse!"   
  
"I'm cl-cl-claustroph-phobic!" Peter whined.   
  
"Whosever hand that is had better move it _now_," came Lily's furious voice from behind the closet door. "That's better."   
  
Shaking her head in exasperation, Woff headed downstairs for a yummy dinner of spaghetti and veal parmesan. It was 7:30. 


	4. A Marauder Interlude: Escape From the Cl

__

Author's Note: Okay, I lied. Originally the reviewers were going to show up in Woff's bedroom in this chapter, but inspiration struck somewhere else and this chapter was born. So that will take place sometime soon, keep leaving your comments! Anyway, they've still got four hours, and Woff can only shove dire predictions at them for so long before we all die of exasperation. So enjoy the love/hate MST, they're always fun. 

  
  
  
  


Lily, James, Sirius, and Remus were sharing despairing gazes. They had been squeezed into Woff's ridiculously messy closet for nearly ten minutes now and it was not exactly pleasant. Remus and Sirius had found a small space in the corner closest to the door to curl up in, but both were starting to cramp up. James was perched on top of a huge pile of shoes and clothes and Lily was on his lap. Peter was lying unconscious among Woff's dresses and sweaters; a brick, as bricks are prone to do in Marauder fics, had fallen on his head.   
  
At last Sirius spoke up. "This really bites," he stated. The other three nodded morosely in agreement. "I'm hungry," he added, "and thirsty, and tired, and I can't feel my left foot. And I-"   
  
He was interrupted by Remus' elbow, which had somehow slipped into his ribcage. "We just went through this, Padfoot. Quit complaining and start thinking of ways to get out of here."   
  
"How come we never have the presence of mind to bring our wands along on these excursions?" James wondered. "What I'd give for a simple _Alohomora_ charm right now..."   
  
Lily sighed in agreement. "Or at least a good paper clip."   
  
"Now really, you two, I think you'd be quite used to closets after all the time you spent in them in fourth year," Sirius began, then caught Lily's statement. "A paper clip? I've probably got a paper clip, why do you ask?"   
  
James started to defend himself and his girlfriend by pointing out that they would never have needed to be so secretive if they hadn't been so terrified of _certain_ friends of theirs teasing them to death, but was cut off by Lily's cry of relief. "I _knew_ that weird habit you have of carrying half your posessions in your pockets would pay off someday!"   
  
"Learnt it from Hagrid," Sirius told her absently, emptying his cloak of three Dungbombs, four Filibuster's Fireworks, an extremely ancient pocketwatch, a toothpick, a quill, two bottles of ink, several pieces of crumpled up parchment, a magical yo-yo, half a deck of Exploding Snap, an irate black bishop, who shook his fist angrily at Sirius and began hopping away, a half-eaten package of Chocolate Frogs, a toothbrush, a small toad, a plastic comb, a broken Prank-O-Scope, nine strawberry Whizzing Fizzbees, four detention slips, a small bag of Cockroach Clusters, a pair of socks, and just as they were starting to lose hope (not to mention room in the already cluttered closet) - a paper clip.   
  
Lily sprang on the small object and immediately began to unbend it, while Sirius happily busied himself with the candy.   
  
"No Whizzing Fizzbees in here," James warned him. "What are you doing, anyway, Lily?"   
  
She grinned at them. "I can't believe I'm showing this to you four - er, three," she added, glancing at Peter's prostrate form. "Now watch and learn." Sirius stopped mid-Cockroach Cluster ("tastes like chicken!"), fascinated, to watch her insert the point of the paper clip into the lock, jiggle it around a bit, and to the boys' utter amazement, push open the door.   
  
James had decided the occasion called for a quick snog, and Sirius and Remus were equally admiring (though, luckily for them, they chose to express it differently).   
  
"Why don't they teach us useful things - like _that_ - in Muggle Studies?" Sirius demanded.   
  
Remus had another question. "What are going to do, now that we're free?"   
  
Lily considered this. "We're not technically free, you know. We can't actually get back to Hogwarts from here."   
  
"I know!" Sirius exclaimed. "Let's break that weird machine Woff makes us read the FanFiction off of. Then she'll have to send us home!"   
  
The others agreed that this was a brilliant idea and hurried to Woff's desk. They examined the strange machine with great trepidation.   
  
"What do you think that button does?" James asked them, pointing to the mouse clicker.   
  
Sirius shrugged. "Only one way to find out!" He enthusiastically pushed the large button. Unfortunately for them, the mouse had been poised over a particularly putrid fic, and it was now appearing on the screen.   
  
"Oh, good job, Sirius!" Lily told him angrily. "It's another stupid story for us to read!"   
  
"'Lily + James = Hate...or does it??'" Remus read. "Hmm, let me think..."   
  
Lily sighed. "I guess we might as well read it. At least this one doesn't seem to be full of weird warnings about our future."   
  
  
  
**

**

Lily + James = Hate...or does it??   
by i*luv*snuffles 

  
  


Sirius: What kind of a name is that? Does the writer enjoy having a cold or something?   
Remus: At least this one isn't claiming to be related to me.   
  
**"JAMES POTTER I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!" came a shout from the girl's dorm at hogwart's School of Witchcraft and wizardry.**   
  
Remus: Interesting choice of capitalization there.   
Lily: Maybe she's a feminist.   
Sirius: James, have you been peeking at the girls' bras again?   
James: Padfoot, that was you.   
Sirius: *not the slightest bit ashamed* So it was.   
  
**Everyone in the common room chuckled, wondering what James had done to Lily Evans this time as last time it had been turning her hair bright green to match her glowing emerald orbs.**   
  
James: Again, Padfoot, that was you.   
Lily: "Glowing emerald orbs"? Where do they get this stuff?   
  
**After that incident, Lily had magically written "kick me" on all of James's robes and didn't speak to him for a week.**   
  
Lily: I don't know whether to be more offended that I would resort to such a childish prank, or that I let a simple Hair Color Charm bother me so much.   
Remus: As I recall, in real life you just kept your hair that color until it washed off in the shower.   
Lily: *shrug* I was in the mood for a new look, anyway.   
Sirius: Yes, but then when I made it purple the next day you blew up my cauldron in Potions.   
Lily: That's because I hate the color purple. And if you had been paying attention, you would have known better than to listen to me when I told you to add the third eye of newt.   
Sirius: D'you think I have nothing better to do in Potions than listen to Borkin?   
  
**Lily marched down to the common room, her face was covered in huge black boils. "YOU ARE GOING TO DIE FOR THIS POTTER!!!" She shouted and ran crying out of the Common room.**   
  
Sirius: You've got quite a temper there, Lil.   
Lily: Well, honestly, under the circumstances it's somewhat understandable. Although I'm sure I know the spell to remove boils and would have performed it _before_ appearing in front of the entire House.   
James: I would never do anything like that to a Gryffindor. Snape, maybe, but that's an entirely different story   
Sirius: That's a good idea, Prongs! *steals a piece of paper and a pen from Woff's desk and begins to write furiously*   
  
**Meanwhile James and his three friends who made up the Marauders, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and peter pettigrew (the disgusting rat, i'm so sorry but i had to put him in, don't worry soon Sirius will curse him and he can stay in the hospital wing forever)**   
  
James: That reminds me, do you think we ought to see if we can revive Peter?   
Remus: Well, judging by that last sentence, it may not be a good idea. For some reason, this author doesn't seem to like him any more than Woff.   
Lily: Yeah, more of that selective capitalization.   
Sirius: And why is it always me who does these horrible things to him?   
Lily: Well, let's see: who among us is the most likely to do horrible things to anyone?   
Sirius: Point taken.   
  
**were hysterically laughing at their latest prank. They lived to pull pranks and were going for the most detentions ever at Hogwart's.**   
  
Remus: Because we're so desperate to be expelled and all.   
  
**Lily was their favorite victim after slimy Severus Snape.**   
  
James: That's the first thing this author has gotten right yet. *off Lily's glare* I meant the part about Snape!   
  
**Meanwhile Lily was having a talk with Professor Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwart's.**   
  
Remus: You know, at first I thought the apostrophe the author keeps putting in Hogwarts was a typo, but now I'm convinced they think the school was named after someone named Hogwart.   
Sirius: How did Hogwarts get its name, anyway?   
Lily: If you would just read _Hogwarts: a History_, you'd know that -   
Sirius: *hurriedly cutting her off* Never mind! Sorry I asked.   
  
**"I can't stand him, Grandpa!" she said.**   
  
Lily: Grandpa??   
James: Grandpa??   
Remus: Grandpa??   
Sirius: Grandpa??   
  
**A/n: End of chapter 1!!!!!**   
  
Remus: That was a chapter? It was hardly seven sentences!   
James: And what kind of ending for a chapter is that?   
  
**I know I am evil for the cliffie, sorry guys!**   
  
Lily: *to James* A "cliffie" ending, apparently.   
Remus: And that would be...?   
Sirius: Short for cliffhanger.   
  
  
  
Woff chose this moment to enter. "Actually, Sirius," she said in wonder from the doorway, "that's right. How did you know? And how did you four get out of the closet? And where's Peter??"   
  
Sirius only shrugged. "Scary as it is, I understand these people. Lily got us out of the closet with some Muggle paper clip trick. You never told us how you knew that, Lil."   
  
Lily grinned. "How do you think I got into Petunia's room to read her diary and leave frogs in her bed?" The look on Sirius' face suggested that he was extremely jealous of James for having such a talented girlfriend. "Peter got hit in the head with a brick when we were in your closet," Lily added to Woff. "He's still in there."   
  
Woff shook her head but was unable to hide a grin. "I wonder if he's got some kind of plate in his head that attracts them. Last I checked, I didn't even have any bricks in my closet." She frowned suddenly. "Still, much as I'm enjoying his absence, I need him fully conscious for Plan B."   
  
"Plan B?" James repeated incredulously. "What is wrong with you, anyway?"   
  
"Can't we just keep reading this fic?" Sirius whined. "I want to find out why Lily is calling Dumbledore 'Grandpa!'"   
  
Woff considered this. Peter's current state of unconsciousness was something of a setback, and she actually had some work to do before Plan B could be set into action. "Fine," she conceded at last. "You can keep reading for now. Just don't blow anything up, I've got some owls to write."   
  
"Owls?" Lily repeated suspiciously. "I thought you were a Muggle."   
  
Woff nodded sadly. "Yes, and it's why my letters hardly ever reach their destinations. However, this is FanFiction, where anything is possible, so I have a feeling it'll work."   
  
Shrugging at the strange Muggle's antics, the foursome returned to their fic.   
  
  
  



	5. Fun With LoveHate MSTing

_Author's Note: More of i*luv*snuffles' fic, I make fun of the prediction plot, the silver stag, bitch about FF.N and make a public service announcement. By the way, if anyone asks, this is not an MST. In fact, I don't even know what an MST is. __You_ don't even know what an MST is, and you've never even heard of thistlemeg, anyway. (My first instinct to the news was typical Gryffindork - I've been sorted...still think I'm more of a Hufflepuff, but the hat never lies - write to FF.N and demand justice be served. Then I remembered that this was the real world, and decided to use my inner Slythering - Thank you, Trinity Day, for immortalizing that term in your hilarious Hogwarts Marauders Theater 3K, it really is amazing how many authors do that - and beat the system by sneaking around it.)   
  
Reviewer cameos coming eventually. It really isn't just an evil plot to get you to review. Well, not completely. Oh yes, and I don't own these people, though my beloved alter egos, Woff and i*luv*snuffles, and their fics are all mine. Get your own.   
  
  
  
**Chapter 2: Lily's Big Secret!**   
  
Lily: Gee, I wonder what she's referring to there.   
  
**"Lily Flower," Dumbledore answered, his blue eyes twinkling, "You need to learn to get along with James. He really is a lovely boy.**   
  
All but James: *snort*   
James: When has Dumbledore ever lied?   
Lily: Yes, but when has Dumbledore ever called me Lily Flower? Come to think of it, when has _anyone_ ever called me Lily Flower?   
Sirius: Actually -   
Lily: Without getting beaten up.   
Sirius: Ah. Never, then.   
James: So this author's portrayal of Dumbledore is about as accurate as their portrayal of Lily?   
Remus: I have a feeling it doesn't end there, either.   
  
**You know, there is a prediction about a Flower and a Stag that Professor Trelawney made. Does that mean anything to you?"   
"Grandpa," Lily answered. "She is an old bat who has never made a real prediction in her life. That's why I quit that class in 3rd year."**   
  
Lily: Actually, I was smart enough not to take it in the first place.   
Remus: By the way, does anyone else have a bad feeling about where he's going with this prediction?   
James: How many stags do we know?   
  
**"Yes I know my dear," Dumbledore answered with twinkling eyes. "But this time she went all rigid and didn't even remember making it, so it must be true."**   
  
James: Naturally.   
Remus: If Trelawney's suffering from seizures, that's no surprise, but why would that make her more reliable?   
  
**Lily walked down the hall of Hogwart's thinking about her visit with her grandfather. No one knew that Dumbldore was her grandpa, it was a secret.**   
  
Remus: I can't decide if the author's being redundant or if Lily's confiding in someone named Noone.   
Lily: With this author's track record, I'd say redundancy and a typo is a pretty safe bet.   
  
**She was also thinking about the prediction Dumbledore had talked about. She knew she must be the Flower, but why was he talking about a Stag. And why did he think she would ever like Potter??????**   
  
Sirius: I don't know about in this fic, but as I recall it was the sleep talking and "JP+LE Forever" hearts all over your homework that did it for me.   
Lily: Sleep talking?   
Sirius:*gulp* Uh, hypothetically speaking, of course.   
Lily: Is this related to the bra raid incident?   
Sirius: Might've been.   
  
**All of a sudden, she ran into the very person of her thoughts.   
"Hey, look, it's Poison Ivy!" (A/n: I was watching Batman forever, ok?)**   
  
Remus: Ah. That explains...nothing.   
Lily: *confused* Well, Batman is this Muggle superhero. I have no idea where the Poison Ivy thing came from.   
Sirius: I get it. Instead of a flower, you're a poisonous plant! *laughs*   
James: Padfoot. You're laughing at an extremely bad fanfiction joke.   
Sirius:*immediately shuts up* I think it's starting to get to me.   
  
**It was James and Sirius. They had always called her that since first year, because they thought it was a better name for her than Lily. (Get it? Instead of a beautiful flower, she's a poisonous one!)**   
  
James: Yes, thanks, Sirius has already pointed that one out.   
  
**"Hey, where did your boils go?" James asked her, disapointed more people wouldn't see her and she would be humiliated.   
"My grandpa, um, er, I mean, Professor Dumbldore cured them," Lily answered, turning bright red to match her flame colored hair**   
  
Lily: It's _auburn_! Not flame-colored, not red, not orange, _auburn_!   
Everyone else:*don't dare to argue*   
  
**and walking away very quickly.   
The two boys stared at each other in disbelief.   
"Did she just say what I thought she just said?" Sirius asked his friend.   
"No way," James answered, shaking his head. "No way she just called Dumbledore Grandpa."   
"Padfoot, you probably were hallucinating again, did you eat those candies we were gonna give to Snape?"**   
  
Remus; Who exactly is speaking there? It's obviously not Sirius, unless he was talking to himself...   
James: ..which shouldn't be ruled out...   
Remus: ...but why would they start a new paragraph with new quotation marks if James was still talking?   
Lily: Sirius obviously isn't the only one these are getting to.   
Woff:*looks up from her letters* Maybe it's the basilisk.   
Lily, James, Sirius, & Remus:*blank stares*   
Woff: The monster of Slytherin? *off more blank stares* God, when is Binns going to teach you something _useful_?   
Sirius:*reasonably* Well, it's not like we'd be awake to hear it if he did.   
  
**A/n:**   
  
Lily: What are these "A/n"s, anyway?   
All:*look to Sirius*   
Sirius: Uh, Annoying nuisance? Another useless interruption? *off stares* So there wasn't an "n" in that one.   
Woff: Author's note, actually. Although I think Sirius' first guess was more accurate in this case.   
  
**END OF CHAPTER 2!!!!!!!!!!**   
  
James: The author's almost as excited as I am.   
  
**I hope yall liked it it was a lot of fun to write! Everyone has lots of secrets so its getting very mysterious!**   
  
Lily: Actually, we've only come across one secret so far, and I blew that with the first human being I met.   
Sirius: Maybe they meant the candies we were going to give Snape? *writes something on his paper*   
Remus: I think it's the mysterious speaker at the end of the chapter.   
  
**Okay, I won't put the third chapter up until i have at least 20 reviews so plzzzzz review people!!!**   
  
James: Hold up. The author's not going to show us the next chapter until we read it twenty more times? And how will they know if we did, anyway?   
Sirius: *shrug* Doesn't matter, because actually, the third chapter _is_ up. *begins moving around the mouse* I think I'm starting to get the hang of this thing.   
Remus: Sirius...Padfoot...you're not about to click on the next -   
Sirius: *clicks on the next chapter*   
James and Remus: Nooo!   
Sirius: Come on guys, I want to see what those candies do to Snape.   
Lily: Yeah, aren't you curious about Dumbledore being my grandfather?   
James: No, but I have to say, I do want to find out about that mysterious voice.   
Sirius: Well, then, let's get reading!   
  
**Chapter 3: Secrets Secrets Are No Fun...Unless You share them with Sirius!**   
  
Sirius: *nodding* That's always been my motto   
Remus: And more with the secrets theme. Why do I have a bad feeling about some of these upcoming secrets?   
  
**Lily rushed into the Common Room and up to her bed. She couldn't believe she had almost let her secret slip to Potter and Sirius. **   
  
Lily: I don't understand why I wouldn't want people to know that Professor Dumbledore is my grandfather. He's hardly anything to be ashamed of, is he?   
  
**She was just glad that she hadn't said anything about her _other_ grandfather.**   
  
Lily: Now, _that_ makes more sense. The last time we allowed Grandpa Jim in public, he took off all his clothes at the cinema. Although I hardly think James and Sirius would know about that.   
Sirius: We do now...*rubs hands together with evil smile*   
Lily: *calmly* But Marianne Winters doesn't know about Leslie Abbot...yet.   
Sirius: *wisely shuts up*   
  
**"Hey Lils, you'll never guess who just asked me to Hogsmeade!!!" came a voice.**   
  
James: It's back!!   
  
**Lily looked up to see her friend Candice Korne.**   
  
James: The mysterious voice is...a Halloween confection??   
Remus: Not too mysterious after all.   
Sirius: Well, maybe this is a _different_ mysterious voice. You never know.   
James: *brightening* That's right! There's probably tons of them floating around the castle.   
  
**"Who?" she asked.   
"Peter Pettigrew!!" Candy answered excitedly.**   
  
Sirius: Somebody revive Peter! He's got a date!   
  
**Lily rolled her eyes. Candy was such a ditz and they weren't very good friends.**   
  
Lily: Completely contradicting her earlier statement.   
  
**Only a freak like Candy would actually go out with Peter Pettigrew, who looked like a rat.**   
  
Sirius: Maybe we'll just leave Peter there, after all.   
Remus: I was under the impression Lily didn't know you three were Animagi...we'd hardly tell your mortal enemy, would we, James?   
Lily: Maybe I mean in human form. He does have that nose...*catches herself* that very cute nose, which is why I have no idea what this author is talking about.   
James: What about my nose?   
Lily: You _know_ what I think of your nose. *whispers in his ear, and James turns red*   
Remus: Nauseating as this fic is, I'm going to choose the lesser of two evils and get on with it.   
  
**Meanwhile, James and Sirius were going to the Whomping Willow. Peter couldn't come because he fell down three flights of stairs and was in the Hospital Wing for a month.**   
  
James: Despite the fact that Madame Echonasia can heal concussions and broken bones in a matter of minutes.   
Lily: So much for that Hogsmeade date. I'm starting to think it was Providence that dropped that brick.   
Woff: Well, sure, I go by that, too. *nervously, off their glares* Uh, I didn't say anything.   
  
**When they got to the Whomping Willow, they decided to transform. James turned into a beautiful silver stag, and Sirius became a big black Grim.**   
  
James: Several things here: Why would we tranform in the middle of the wide open Hogwarts grounds, _before_ entering the secret passage? Padfoot might be able to squeeze, but there's no way I'd ever fit. Not that that even matters, because we couldn't have gotten through the branches without Wormtail to press the knot. And lastly, I am not silver.   
Remus: James, if you're trying to get inside the author's head - don't. It's not a pleasant experience.   
Lily: And hardly a good way to hold on to your sanity.   
Woff: He's got a point, though. Silver is the natural color of Patronuses, it does _not_ mean the actual Prongs is silver.   
The rest: *blank looks*   
  
**Then they entered the secret tunnel and went to go find Remus. Remus was a werewolf and James, Sirius, and peter were Animagi.**   
  
Sirius: For those of you just joining us.   
  
**No one knew about this, not even Dumbledore.   
At least, no one until now........................**   
  
Sirius: AHHH! THE DOTS ARE ATTACKING!!!   
Woff: Please. That is _so_ old.   
  
**...because the boys didn't know that a certain redhead was watching from the Gryffindor window...................**   
  
Lily: *drily* Whoever could that be?   
Sirius: It's definitely Gerry O'Connell. I always knew that kid was up to something.   
Remus: That second year you turned into an aardvark for your "Transfiguration project"?   
James: Hey, maybe _he's_ the mysterious voice!   
Sirius: Yes! _That_ would explain why he runs away every time we enter the Common Room!   
Lily: Because the aardvark incident clearly has nothing to do with it.   
Remus: Hey, this is the end of Chapter 3. *skimming ahead* Ugh, another one of those Author's Notes, let's just skip over it altogether.   
James: It's a plan. Hey, can I press the magic button this time? *fiddles around with the mouse and miraculously figures out how to move to the next chapter*   
  
They were just about to continue reading when a loud gasp sounded from Woff's corner of the room. "I don't believe it!" she cried. "The bastards!"   
  
"We haven't done anything!" Sirius protested automatically, but Woff shook her head distractedly.   
  
"No, no, not you, I've just had an owl and it seems FanFiction.Net is going to start deleting MSTs in," she checked the calendar, "less than two weeks!"   
  
Luckily for Woff, she was getting used to the sort of blank stares she was getting now.   
  
"Basically, people won't be able to read about your adventures here anymore!" Woff explained, distressed.   
  
There was a slight pause as the abducted characters considered this.   
  
"Does this mean we get to leave?" Sirius asked, sounding as though he was trying not to allow himself to hope. Which was a good thing, as he was promptly shot back down.   
  
"Are you kidding? I still have nearly four hours to torture you, with or without an audience!" Woff continued leafing through her owls. "I'll have to adjust the summary a bit," she was muttering, mostly to herself, "and hopefully Fido and his gang of Hellhounds won't notice...oh, here we go!"   
  
"What is it?" Remus asked, a bit nervously.   
  
"I've found a new location for us!" Woff answered brightly. "Trinity Day, an amazing fellow MSTer, has founded a Yahoo! group for Harry Potter MSTs. And if anyone wants to keep up with this story, as I'm sure they do, they can simply visit this URL: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/hpmst/?yguid=427687."   
  
By now, only Remus was even attempting to understand Woff's Muggle mumble jumble. Sirius was back to scribbling on his filched bit of notebook paper, and James and Lily were engaged in a whispered conversation. Suddenly, Woff seemed to realize their lack of productivity.   
  
"Hey!" she barked. "Get back to the fic! I'm not kidnapping you to sit around and do nothing, am I?"   
  
Groaning, the four teenagers turned to face the screen with a mixture of trepidation, amusement, boredom, and disgust. Woff went back to her owls.   
  
And the closet door slowly opened. 


	6. Lily the Mary Sue

_Chapter 6 of IOTHLTFF is finally here! More of the infamous _James + Lily = hate…or does it? _as well as Vengeful!Peter, Anal!Remus, Testosterone!James and Sirius, and, of course, the Mysterious Voice._

_Many people asked what an MST is…Mystery Science Theater is a British TV show that makes fun of bad movies…I confess that I personally have never seen it. This, however, never stopped anyone in the fandom from writing an MST-style fic and they used to run rampant on ff.n. They are now illegal on this site (shhhh), since it basically amounts to people making fun of other people's fics. All fics mocked in this story, however, are my own twisted creations, though they are based on plots and mistakes I've seen before in fanon._

_The mission of IOTHLTFF is not only to make fun of badfics, but also MSTs in general, since I found many of the same clichéd characterizations popping up in those as well. It's a parody within a parody! And I have way too much fun being sarcastic, so here's another helping._

"Guys?" Peter's pale, bewildered face emerged from the closet. "What's going on? Where are we?" 

"Peter!" His four friends greeted him. "You're awake!" 

"Oh, wonderful," Woff muttered, but everyone ignored her. 

"We've been kidnapped by a fanfiction-writing psychopath, remember?" Sirius told his friend. 

Peter looked around. A strange brown-haired girl was sitting Indian style on the bed, sifting through a large pile of letters. His friends had pulled up chairs around a desk on the opposite side of the room and were staring at what resembled a small, thin, television screen. 

It all came flooding back. 

"Eek!" Peter squealed and dove back into the closet. There was a thud followed by what sounded like a small avalanche. Wincing, his friends rose and gathered around the closet door to view the carnage. 

Peter's legs were protruding from a large pile of books, magazines, shoeboxes filled with odds and ends, and an assortment of shoes, which unfortunately for Peter, included rather pointy looking high heels and heavy wooden clogs. 

"Oh," Woff cried happily, picking up one of the J.Crew clogs, "I've been looking all over for this!" The Marauders glared at her indifference to poor, battered Wormtail's plight. 

"Are you all right, Peter?" Lily asked him. 

There was a moan and Peter emerged from the rubble. "Definitely concussed, but other than that -" 

"Great!" Sirius cried, grabbing his friend's hand and pulling him to the desk. "You can help us read fanfic!" 

"But, Padfoot, I really think I'm going to throw-" Peter began but was cut off by another wave of nausea when Sirius smacked him upside the head. 

"C'mon, Wormy, no one likes a whiner!" 

**Lily+James=hate...Or does it????**

Peter: *puzzled* Of course it doesn't. Who thinks that? 

James: That's right, Pete, you missed the beginning. According to this author, Lily and I hate each other. 

Peter: Another of Woff's fics? *ducks a pillow from across the room* 

**by i*luv*snuffles **

**Chapter 4: Sirius Blackmail **

All: *groan* 

**A/n: Get it?????? **

Lily: No, actually, we didn't catch that, why don't you run it by us one more time?

**Lily cackled evilly to herself. She had an idea. Lily had a wonderful, awful idea. [A/n: haha jim Carrey is soo funny] **

Sirius: Um... 

Woff: It's a modern Muggle reference, just let it go.

**The idea was: blackmail the Marauders! She knew now about them being Animagi and werewolves, **

Remus: Were_wolves_? And here I thought I was the only one. 

James: Well, we must bow to the superior knowledge of the fanfic writers. I say it's Sirius. 

Sirius: Nice try. Check this out. *holds out silver watch* 

James: I know! It's yet another clue to the identity of the mysterious voice!

**so she was going to blackmail them. **

Remus: Thank you, Captain Redundancy. 

**So the next day Lily cornered all the boys in a corner. "I know youre secret!" she hissed. **

Remus: "Your" secret. It's a possessive pronoun, not a conjunction, and even if it were the author forgot the apostrophe. 

Woff: Remus. I thought we had established nitpicking these fics is completely futile and will only cause you more pain? 

Remus: *sheepishly* I just couldn't help myself. 

**"Oh no!" Peter said and ran away to snog Candy. **

Peter: Who's Candy?? 

Sirius: It's apostrophe, Wormtail. The author is referring to your one true love: food. 

Lily: *elbows Sirius* Don't listen to him Peter, she's your girlfriend in this fic.

**Since the rest of the marauders were brave they said, "What are you talking about?" **

**"We don't have a secret," James said. **

James: Well, maybe a few. 

**"Oh yeah, Prongs?" Lily sneered. "Mr. I'm-a-stag-Animagi??" **

Lily: Oh, I'm clever. 

**At first the Maruders were speechless, but James thought quick. "You can't blackmail us, we know a secret about you too!!" **

**She turned lily white. "Dumbledore is NOT my grandfather!" **

Peter: Obviously. What is she talking about? 

Remus: For some reason, this author thinks he is. And apparently Lily wants to keep her identity as the granddaughter of the world's most powerful wizard a secret. 

James: Evidently she doesn't want to keep it a secret all that badly; she's let it slip twice in the past five minutes. 

Lily: Almost as many times, in fact, as this author has inflicted her horrendous puns on us. ****

**Sirius started laughing. "Duh, Lily, you just fell for the oldest trick in the book! Go Maruders!" **

Lily: D'you think that was an attempt on Sirius' part to be self-deprecatingly witty, or just another typo? 

Remus: My money's on the typo. 

James: Sirius? Self-deprecating? You must be kidding. 

**Sirius, James, and Remus slapped high fives. **

**"Fine!" Lily shouted. "But I am going to tell everyone that you are Animagis and werewolves if you don't let me become one too!" **

Peter: I can't believe it! I knew you were jealous, Lily! 

Everyone: *stares* 

Lily: *very slowly* Peter. I do not want to become an Anima_gus_. I am not jealous. This is not a true story. Am I making myself perfectly clear? 

Peter: *meekly* Uh, sure. Sorry, Lil. 

James: *clearing his throat in the ensuing awkward silence* Um, I think we've got another sighting of the mysterious voice. 

Remus: You mean the return of the multiple werewolves? 

Sirius: Not to mention we still haven't heard from the midnight spy, Gerry O'Connell. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 

Lily: Merlin, I hope not. One person thinking like Sirius is more than enough.

**"Fine!" James shouted back. Then the Marauders stomped away. **

**"Dude, Prongs, why'd you say yes so quickly?" Sirius asked. "Ooh, I think Prongsie fancies Lilsies!" **

James: You bet I do. 

Lily and James: *exchange sickeningly sweet smiles* 

Sirius: Hey, Lilsies, can I really call you that? 

Lily: Sure, as long as you don't value your life or anything.

**"I do not!!" James yelled. **

**"Prongs and Lilsies, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" sang Remus and Sirius. They thought they knew all there was to know about Lillian Veronica Evans,**

Lily: But, considering they didn't even know her name, were obviously quite wrong. 

**but little did they know, they were very, very wrong.**

James: Waait. Is the author insinuating what I think she's insinuating? 

Peter: Lily's evil! *realizes what he's just said and cowers* 

James: Er, no, actually, I was just thinking that Lily was the mysterious werewolf. 

Peter: *quickly* Oh, ah, yes, that's what I meant. 

Sirius: It makes so much sense! That's why she still has a secret, and that's how she found out about the four of us! Remus, how could you have missed it? 

Remus: I suppose we just never ran into each other, what with the Shrieking Shack being so spacious and all. 

Lily: *indicating a necklace, bracelet, and two rings* I also wear all this faux-silver jewelry to throw people off. 

Peter: Hey, guys? We finished the chapter, now what does this button do? *presses mouse* Oh. Sorry. 

James: Don't worry about it, I want to hear more of Lily's dark secrets. 

**Chapter 5: Lily the Animagi and Grandpa Voldie**

James: What is it with fanfiction authors and their pet names for the Dark Lord? 

Remus: What is it with fanfiction authors and their complete inability to grasp the concept of Latin endings? 

Lily: Let's just save ourselves a lot of time and leave it at: What is it with fanfiction authors? 

**A/n: Wow, I can't believe I made it to my 5th chapter! When I started this on a sugar high at 2:00 am**

Sirius: That explains _so_ much. 

Remus: You would certainly know. 

**I never expected anyone would even read it! THanx everyone for your awesome reviews, except for HarrysHotLuva69 who flamed me! You are a bad writer who should not be on this site critisixing people who are better then you!**

Sirius: Shame on you, HarrysHotLuva69! Bad fanfiction writers are not allowed! 

Remus: There's far too many already. 

**The Marauders were watching Lily do the spell to become an Animagi. **

**"Abracadabra Alakazoom Ecomebay An Animaginay Ightray Ownay Ybay Isthay Ellspay!"**

Lily: Wow. Is that what you guys are so proud of? 

Peter: That was... 

Remus: Pathetic. 

James: Five years of grueling work reduced to Muggle magician phrases and Pig Latin. I might cry. 

Sirius: Oolcay! I Ikelay Ugglemay Igpay Atinlay! 

**Then she took the special potion. All of a sudden, she felt herself changing. She looked down. Then she changed back in excitement.**

**"I'm a doe!" she cried. **

Sirius: *pinching Lily and James' cheeks* Aw! Isn't dat so adowable! 

**Remus, Sirius, and Peter looked at James and started laughing hysterically. James and Lily were both bright red. **

**"Just because we are both deer doesn't mean anything!" Lily yelled. "Me and James**

Lily: *gritting her teeth* James and _I_. 

**are nothing alike! He is from an old gryffindor wizard family, I was adopted because no one is supposed to know that Voldemort's daughter and Dumbledore's son had a baby! My adopted family hates me, my real parents haven't been seen since I was born, and my grandfather wants to kill me!"**

Woff: Lily, I think you may be worse than Hagrid and Peter combined. 

**"Dumbledore wants to kill you?" Peter asked stupidly.**

Sirius: Oh, good one, Peter. Really clever. 

Peter: B-Bu-But - 

Lily: Relax, Wormtail, he means your character in the story. 

Peter: *thinking* They always make fun of me! I hate them! 

**"NO YOU IDIOT!" Lily shouted. "VOLDEMORT DOES!" **

**"D-d-don't s-say th-th-the name!" Peter whispered in terror. Then he ran away.**

Woff: You see, the author has one thing right. 

**(A/n: Yes I got rid of him!) **

**Lily wasn't paying attention though (but she wouldnt of cared if she was!), because she had turned white and was staring at them with her wide green eyes.**

Lily: As opposed to my spare blue set, I suppose. 

**"OMG!" she said. "Just forget I said that, ok!" Then she ran away before the shocked boys could do anything.**

Peter: I don't get it. What is "OMG"? 

Sirius: ...I'm stumped. 

Woff: "Oh my God." Just ignore it. 

**James stood with his jaw hanging open for a minute, then ran after Lily. **

**"Prongs, where are you going?" Sirius shouted. James didn't answer. "He is so totally in love." Sirius sighed.**

Lily: *in a bad American accent* Like, totally. 

**"No way, its Lily remember?" Remus said. "They'll never go out, they hate each other." **

**"Moony, my friend, if they arent going out by the end of the week, I will pay you 10 galleons."**

Remus: Padfoot, you don't have 10 galleons. 

**"Padfoot, you don't have 10 galleons." Remus said. **

Remus: Ooh, you're right, that _is_ disturbing. 

**"But your on anyway." **

Sirius, eager to see if his fictional self would win the bet, and hoping that if so he could claim it held true in real life and collect the ten galleons from Remus, took control of the touchpad and tried to go to the next chapter.

"Hey!" he exclaimed. "That's the end!"

Woff nodded sagely. "WIP. It's probably for the best; you five were getting a little _too_ into it if you ask me."

"_I_ didn't like it," Peter spoke up. No one was surprised.

"You shouldn't complain, Wormtail, you saw more action in that fic than in our six years at Hogwarts," Sirius teased.

"And Padfoot probably made more intelligent statements, hard as it is to believe," James countered dryly.

Sirius lunged at him and the two began to wrestle enthusiastically on the floor. Downstairs, Woff's parents frowned at the chandelier, which had begun to shake. The remaining three Hogwarts students rolled their eyes at each other, and Lily appealed to Woff. "Can't you keep them entertained somehow?"

"You can entertain me anytime, baby!" James called from underneath Sirius. He exchanged a lewd grin with Sirius, who took advantage of his friend's momentary distraction to put James in a headlock.

Woff sighed and shoved her captives aside to get to the laptop. After a few minutes of searching, she got up, satisfied, and announced, "Here! This ought to keep you busy."

"'Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder,'" Remus read aloud. "by…oh _Merlin_…i*luv*snuffles and Hermione Ginny Lily Lupin."

Drawn to the fic by the same morbid fascination that makes people stare at fatal car wrecks, the wizards and witch gathered around the screen and prepared for the worst.

A huge thank you to all my reviewers: jtyw, weirdfreak, Stating-the-obvious, Alicorn, Ron's Secret Admirer, Essie, Springrain, Queen of the Tinfoil Fish, Clare, selena, Thursday, HeHeHe, Bitter Bathory, A13TAT, Ariana Deralte, Cellie, Tahlya, Snowlily, Chaos, Lindsay Leigh, Lydia, ~*CrystalLily*~, Xaiver, Tarawyn, Harriet, lily evans potter, Sweet Star, TheDarkIsRising aka Endriago, Sunshine, UnrepentantReader, and juggling stars. You guys are the best.

_Don't forget to stop by the Yahoo group HPMST () for your MST fix._

_Oh, and please let me know if you'd like me to email you when the next chapter is out; the badfic is already written so it shouldn't be long._


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